I feel macho
I feel studly
But I’m just a
pile of ugly
©2019 David W. Jones
Tag: humor
How To Start A Plot
“Well, a twelve-volt battery has always worked for me.”
“Except post-modern literature. Then you need 24 volts.”
© 2020 David W. Jones
WuMo by Wulff & Morgenthaler for June 27, 2019 – GoComics
https://www.gocomics.com/wumo/2019/06/27
Well, it was that or start writing the Great American Novel. Results might have been the same either way.
Make up your mind
On the door of a local plate lunch place:
The Ultimate Zombie Story
Simple Simon
Simple Simon
met a π. Man,
astounded, he
couldn’t wrap mind a-
round it: three point
one four one five
nine two six five
three five eight nine
seven nine three two
three eight four six
two six four three
three eight three two
seven nine five oh
two eight eight four
one nine seven one
six nine three nine
nine three seven five
one oh five eight
two oh nine seven
four nine four four
five nine two three
oh seven eight one
six four oh six
two eight six two
oh eight nine nine
eight six two eight
oh three four eight
two five three four
two one one seven
oh six seven nine
etcetera etcetera
© 2019 David W. Jones
Facebook left millions of user passwords readable by employees
And in my opinion at least one of their employees shared them with China, another with North Korea, and a third with Israel.
The NSA and Russian intelligence already have backdoor access and get Facebook passwords and data in realtime.
“Paranoia it strikes deep.”
How to get a new body
I have a reminder on my to-do list (Ultimate To Do List, if you’re interested) to post something. So here you go!
How to get a new body
- Join a gym and submit to torture
- Torture yourself by “eating healthy”
- Become a Christian and die
- Believe in reincarnation and die
- Become a member of ISIS or al Queda and blow yourself up
- Become an Apocalyptic Christian and survive the Apocalypse
- Become a tech billionaire, invest in human cloning and mind uploading tech, then grow your new body and upload your mind into it
- Order one on Amazon
© 2018 David W. Jones
Why personnel costs are so low in hell
As the second largest employer in the spiritual realm, Hell, Inc. has a very large staff of demons and imps.
Since they don’t need to eat or sleep, they work 24 hours a day.
They never get sick or injured, so they need no sick leave, healthcare coverage, or workers comp.
Since they only live to torment sinners, they’re not interested in personal time off. And we have no holidays in Hell.
The remainder of our personnel are sinners. And sinners, of course, are all unpaid interns, learning their lesson the business.
©2018 David W. Jones
Alliterative Blessursings!
May the:
- Annoying Adolescent of Angst aggravate your ancestors!
- Bellowing Bison of Beauty barge bashfully through your bedroom!
- Conquering Caskets of Congress congregate under your couch!
- Deadly Dandelion of Delight dance under your duvet!
- Evangelical Ego of Eccentricity exceed your expectations and eviscerate your evening!
- Flying French Fry of Fragrance frequently flavor your farts!
- Giggling Gorilla of Goodness grease its gonads in your garage!
- Green Geyser of Garbage give your grandmother a goat!
- Hairy Hippo of Happiness hop through your house!
- Independent Idiots of Indiana indulgently increment your innards!
- Joyful Junkies of Jupiter jolt your jollies in January!
- Killer Kumquat of Korea confiscate your cash!
- Lustful League of Lizards lightly lash your legs!
- Merry Master of Mayhem mar your March with madness!
- Nine nice ninnies nurse your nieces and nephews with neon!
- Oblate Order of Oklahoma obliterate your overweening organism!
- Petite Purveyor of Purity put pure purple poop in your perambulator!
- Queen of Quaint Quantities question the quickness of your quest!
- Raving Ratchet of Righteousness revolve your roof!
- Rotund Riot of Responsibility ride roughshod over your rave!
- Sacred Swallow of Swooning sweep the sidewalk with your soul!
- Tank of Televized Tedium make tracks on your tush!
- Unguent of Ultimate Ugliness apply itself via your underwear!
- Unguent of Ugly Urges urgently up yours!
- Virtuous Vampire of Venice visibly violate your variable vagueness!
- Warbling Whiffleball of Wonders wee-wee on your walkway!
- Xacto of Excruciating Exactness exterminate your excess!
- Ex-Exceptionalist Exceed your expectations!
- Yelling Yellow Yeti yank your yapping yoked Yorkinese!
- Zestful Zone of Zinc Zippers zigzag through your zenith!
