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I have a reminder on my to-do list (Ultimate To Do List, if you’re interested) to post something. So here you go!

How to get a new body

  • Join a gym and submit to torture
  • Torture yourself by “eating healthy”
  • Become a Christian and die
  • Believe in reincarnation and die
  • Become a member of ISIS or al Queda and blow yourself up
  • Become an Apocalyptic Christian and survive the Apocalypse
  • Become a tech billionaire, invest in human cloning and mind uploading tech, then grow your new body and upload your mind into it
  • Order one on Amazon

© 2018 David W. Jones

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As the second largest employer in the spiritual realm, Hell, Inc. has a very large staff of demons and imps.

Since they don’t need to eat or sleep, they work 24 hours a day.

They never get sick or injured, so they need no sick leave, healthcare coverage, or workers comp.

Since they only live to torment sinners, they’re not interested in personal time off. And we have no holidays in Hell.

The remainder of our personnel are sinners. And sinners, of course, are all unpaid interns, learning their lesson the business.

©2018 David W. Jones

May the:

  • Annoying Adolescent of Angst aggravate your ancestors!
  • Bellowing Bison of Beauty barge bashfully through your bedroom!
  • Conquering Caskets of Congress congregate under your couch!
  • Deadly Dandelion of Delight dance under your duvet!
  • Evangelical Ego of Eccentricity exceed your expectations and eviscerate your evening!
  • Flying French Fry of Fragrance frequently flavor your farts!
  • Giggling Gorilla of Goodness grease its gonads in your garage!
  • Green Geyser of Garbage give your grandmother a goat!
  • Hairy Hippo of Happiness hop through your house!
  • Independent Idiots of Indiana indulgently increment your innards!
  • Joyful Junkies of Jupiter jolt your jollies in January!
  • Killer Kumquat of Korea confiscate your cash!
  • Lustful League of Lizards lightly lash your legs!
  • Merry Master of Mayhem mar your March with madness!
  • Nine nice ninnies nurse your nieces and nephews with neon!
  • Oblate Order of Oklahoma obliterate your overweening organism!
  • Petite Purveyor of Purity put pure purple poop in your perambulator!
  • Queen of Quaint Quantities question the quickness of your quest!
  • Raving Ratchet of Righteousness revolve your roof!
  • Rotund Riot of Responsibility ride roughshod over your rave!
  • Sacred Swallow of Swooning sweep the sidewalk with your soul!
  • Tank of Televized Tedium make tracks on your tush!
  • Unguent of Ultimate Ugliness apply itself via your underwear!
  • Unguent of Ugly Urges urgently up yours!
  • Virtuous Vampire of Venice visibly violate your variable vagueness!
  • Warbling Whiffleball of Wonders wee-wee on your walkway!
  • Xacto of Excruciating Exactness exterminate your excess!
  • Ex-Exceptionalist Exceed your expectations!
  • Yelling Yellow Yeti yank your yapping yoked Yorkinese!
  • Zestful Zone of Zinc Zippers zigzag through your zenith!