The one that said, “These are not the droids we’re looking for.”
His failure ended his career and he was thrown out of the Imperial service there on Tattoine. He became a regular at the Mos Eisley Cantina, drowning himself in the bitter clutches of drink until he finally died homeless, alone and scorned by Imperials and rebels alike as “weak minded.”
I feel macho
I feel studly
But I’m just a
pile of ugly
©2019 David W. Jones
A rich snooty asshole orders an Uber after escaping unharmed from a car crash. Only one that shows up is a rusty Yugo. Argues with driver but gets in.
Discovers that instead of driving him directly to destination, it drives slowly through every place his friends/peers/rivals gather so they see him. He hears their comments, laughter, derision.
When he tries to get out, door won’t open. Driver turns a demonic face toward him and says, “Sorry, you died in that crash. Welcome to Hell!”
“Well, a twelve-volt battery has always worked for me.”
“Except post-modern literature. Then you need 24 volts.”
© 2020 David W. Jones
Well, it was that or start writing the Great American Novel. Results might have been the same either way.
On the door of a local plate lunch place:
So the list of Bullwer-Lytton Contest winners are the only true literary immortals?
I have a reminder on my to-do list (Ultimate To Do List, if you’re interested) to post something. So here you go!
How to get a new body
- Join a gym and submit to torture
- Torture yourself by “eating healthy”
- Become a Christian and die
- Believe in reincarnation and die
- Become a member of ISIS or al Queda and blow yourself up
- Become an Apocalyptic Christian and survive the Apocalypse
- Become a tech billionaire, invest in human cloning and mind uploading tech, then grow your new body and upload your mind into it
- Order one on Amazon
© 2018 David W. Jones
As the second largest employer in the spiritual realm, Hell, Inc. has a very large staff of demons and imps.
Since they don’t need to eat or sleep, they work 24 hours a day.
They never get sick or injured, so they need no sick leave, healthcare coverage, or workers comp.
Since they only live to torment sinners, they’re not interested in personal time off. And we have no holidays in Hell.
The remainder of our personnel are sinners. And sinners, of course, are all unpaid interns, learning
their lesson the business.
©2018 David W. Jones