As the second largest employer in the spiritual realm, Hell, Inc. has a very large staff of demons and imps.

Since they don’t need to eat or sleep, they work 24 hours a day.

They never get sick or injured, so they need no sick leave, healthcare coverage, or workers comp.

Since they only live to torment sinners, they’re not interested in personal time off. And we have no holidays in Hell.

The remainder of our personnel are sinners. And sinners, of course, are all unpaid interns, learning their lesson the business.

©2018 David W. Jones

Inspired by a writing exercise (write a letter to the hero applying to be their sidekick) at the end of a Hawaii Fiction Writers work shop on buddies and sidekicks:

“When you’re captured by the bad guys, tied up and being tortured to reveal where our client is hidden, I would shoot you in the head – then myself – to protect our client’s life.”

May the:

  • Annoying Adolescent of Angst aggravate your ancestors!
  • Bellowing Bison of Beauty barge bashfully through your bedroom!
  • Conquering Caskets of Congress congregate under your couch!
  • Deadly Dandelion of Delight dance under your duvet!
  • Evangelical Ego of Eccentricity exceed your expectations and eviscerate your evening!
  • Flying French Fry of Fragrance frequently flavor your farts!
  • Giggling Gorilla of Goodness grease its gonads in your garage!
  • Green Geyser of Garbage give your grandmother a goat!
  • Hairy Hippo of Happiness hop through your house!
  • Independent Idiots of Indiana indulgently increment your innards!
  • Joyful Junkies of Jupiter jolt your jollies in January!
  • Killer Kumquat of Korea confiscate your cash!
  • Lustful League of Lizards lightly lash your legs!
  • Merry Master of Mayhem mar your March with madness!
  • Nine nice ninnies nurse your nieces and nephews with neon!
  • Oblate Order of Oklahoma obliterate your overweening organism!
  • Petite Purveyor of Purity put pure purple poop in your perambulator!
  • Queen of Quaint Quantities question the quickness of your quest!
  • Raving Ratchet of Righteousness revolve your roof!
  • Rotund Riot of Responsibility ride roughshod over your rave!
  • Sacred Swallow of Swooning sweep the sidewalk with your soul!
  • Tank of Televized Tedium make tracks on your tush!
  • Unguent of Ultimate Ugliness apply itself via your underwear!
  • Unguent of Ugly Urges urgently up yours!
  • Virtuous Vampire of Venice visibly violate your variable vagueness!
  • Warbling Whiffleball of Wonders wee-wee on your walkway!
  • Xacto of Excruciating Exactness exterminate your excess!
  • Ex-Exceptionalist Exceed your expectations!
  • Yelling Yellow Yeti yank your yapping yoked Yorkinese!
  • Zestful Zone of Zinc Zippers zigzag through your zenith!